Be You, Stay True

This is hard for me to write about. I'm not always the greatest at writing out or explaining my feelings. If this blog post seems like it's only scratching the surface or kind of elementary in dealing with this subject, I apologize, but I'm going to try and write it out the best that I can. This post is for both women and men, but I think it's something that more women than men deal with.

This has been on my mind lately, an ongoing theme playing in my life and something I feel the need to write about. Sometimes things happen in our lives that make it impossible to ignore the fact that we need to learn something.

I feel that as women we are taught to "be nice". This starts out from when we're little girls. I've experienced that being "nice" no matter what happens though, can be detrimental too. I'm tired of being nice. I've been nice all my life. When I was bullied in grade school, I'd still be nice to the mean kids and try to make them like me. In a past relationship, in choosing to "be nice" regardless of how horribly the person treated me, I completely lost who I was for a few years, the ground fell out beneath me, I hit rock bottom and I hit it hard on many occasions before I got the strength to stand up for my self-worth - it was a dark dark time. Thank God for my friends and family though, they never gave up on me and their love and persistence in my life helped me emerge a butterfly, they got me to see the light on the other side of the tunnel. We've all been there in some way or other at one point in our lives.

Now, not all relationships are either healthy or extremely abusive, I don't believe things are that black and white. That said, I think it's important to check in with yourself when you're in a relationship to make sure the relationship you're in is healthy, and most importantly, healthy for you. Because who needs more crap in their lives right? Life is already tough enough without being with someone who makes things harder.

Does the person you're with...
- frequently question your sincerity?
- make you feel like you have to continually prove to them that you really care?
- shut you out emotionally?
- have very defined views about the roles men and women should play in a relationship?
- frequently gets upset (overtly or covertly) and you do not know what has happened to cause it?
- criticize things about you that nobody else ever has? (example: "It's annoying when you're so positive all the time" or they get upset that what upsets them does not upset you --> this is called Projection:
"Projection is the misattribution of a person’s undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses. Projection is used especially when the thoughts are considered unacceptable for the person to express, or they feel completely ill at ease with having them. For example, a spouse may be angry at their significant other for not listening, when in fact it is the angry spouse who does not listen. Projection is often the result of a lack of insight and acknowledgement of one’s own motivations and feelings.")
- ignore you? not include you in things?
- call the shots on when you're going to spend time together?

Do you find yourself...
- always agreeing with them to avoid conflict?
- not sharing your feelings/thoughts for fear of them being misunderstood or taken personally?
- making excuses for their bahaviour when it makes you uncomfortable or feel badly about something?
- thinking, "If I just did this differently..." or "Maybe if I do this it will finally show/prove to them how much I care for them"?

I know these lists just touch the tip of the iceberg on all this stuff, but if you experience many of these things above, you may be in an unhealthy relationship. I know myself that it's sometimes hard to articulate what and why you feel bad, but if in your gut, it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. Please please please, don't suck up to someone who doesn't treat you well, ignores you, or shows any of the signs above! Know your worth, you deserve to be with a person who loves and accepts you, encourages and builds you up, someone who is secure enough in who they are to big up the beauty inside of you.

I found this diagram online and think it sums up clearly what a healthy relationship looks like, the essential ingredients that both people need to bring to make it good.

Remember, the most important person to be nice to is yourself.